having recently lost my beloved dad, i’m not quite sure if i’m ready to write about it. i have, at this exact moment, one thousand little things i’d like to say about him and his life and the way i felt about him and yet, that flood of memories and emotions isn’t ready just yet to be shared. it goes without saying that i am heartbroken. grieving. rudderless in all of this. and yet, i don’t want to be silent about him and allow him to disappear. it is too important to me for my boys to know him and continue to know him in his absence. and to feel the full extent of his love for them for the rest of their lives. for now, i can just continue to share little moments of him with them. for their idea of him, their collective memory of him is so rooted in laughter…so deeply entrenched in lightness and a flair for nostalgia that i will remain fiercely protective of that feeling. and despite my utter grief, i want to allow all of the silly, irreverent memories of my dad to rise to the surface buoyantly and permanently so that those ideas, those minutes are an undeniable fact in my life and the life of my sons. i’ll be ready to share them soon. but for now, i’m holding onto them for dear life and allowing their buoyancy and lightness to keep me afloat.